An Introduction: The Outing

On By "T" is for Trans

On September 9, 2017 I woke up hungover. I had been out the night before with friends until an hour that was later than preferred. Gin and soda with lime: so wonderful in the moment and so awful the next day. Kyle went to get me a breakfast sandwich from Starbucks, a routine that I regret every time I think about it because it costs too much and is such a millennial thing to do. When he got back we proceeded to commence the healing process of sitting on the couch and reliving the wonder that is being young, living in our wonderful city, and having no time-obligation.

At some point during this decompression, I remembered that I needed to ask him about some things that I had noticed. I remembered that I couldn’t procrastinate any longer the third person in our room, the changes that had taken place over the summer. In August on a camping trip with friends, Kyle admitted to me while we were on a walk that he had been extremely depressed. I responded in a way I’m not proud of. I was angry he had hidden it from me. What does it say about our marriage if we keep secrets from each other and he can’t trust me enough to let me help him with something like this? Also, how self-focused was I that I didn’t notice? It was sometime during the week following that trip that I was listening to a podcast in which the host interviewed a teenager transitioning from Male-to-Female (MtF) and it occurred to me there was more going on than just the depression. Kyle was growing out his hair for charity.  Kyle shaved his beard, a token of his manhood and the one thing I could never get him to shave when it was at it’s most unappealing and straggle-y-est (not a word, don’t care). Kyle got his toenails painted for the first time after 2 years of going with me to the nail salon. Did all of these things add up?

I spent the next few weeks knowing I needed to ask, knowing I couldn’t ignore the little voice in my head that said “you’re not wrong and you can’t ignore it”, but I couldn’t find the right time. I didn’t want to ask during the week, on a school night, because I knew the conversation should it go the direction my gut said it was going, wouldn’t be a short one, and that going to work the next day wouldn’t be possible. I knew that my asking about how A+B+C might = T would change my life forever. It sounds dramatic when I say “forever”, and I’m fully accountable to that, but imagine for a moment that you are dating someone where you had no idea this was happening. Imagine, you married them. You imagined your life on the porch as an old person with another old person who is supposed to be a certain gender. You hit them with your cane in that image because it’s funny and that’s what the two of you always talked about. That image in your mind is what you said “I do” to on an anxiety-filled day at his parents house in front of 120 people. That’s who you made plans to travel the world with and have babies with and reflect on that time you regretfully got a second cat because you’re both idiots who thought your first cat was lonely. How am I supposed to take the image of my life, throw it in the shredder, and become that couple that keeps happening in highly-publicized tv dramas?How am I supposed to break my own heart?

I paused whatever was on Netflix and asked my beautiful, kind, wonderful, genuine husband about all of the things that I had noticed since he told me about the depression 3 weeks earlier. I’ll never forget the way he looked at me as he readjusted his position on the couch to fully face me and tell me the story that breaks so many others in similar situations. I watched him cry as he looked at me with total trepidation, afraid of my reaction. I can’t say I remember the entirety of the conversation, but I will never forget the vulnerability on Kyle’s face as he took steps forward and stepped into the light that will inevitably shine the pathway of his life moving forward. It changed both of us. It changed our marriage. It changed me.

That conversation and the three months since have brought me to here. I tried to journal about my experiences as the wife of a human who is transitioning from male to female, but I’m inherently lazy and handwriting anything takes too long which lead to a lack of documentation. I’m here, where I can type my tragedy, tears, and humor about it all for myself and anyone else who needs it. Why?

There isn’t very much out there for those of us who find out while in their late-twenties that their spouse is transgender. There is very little for women like me, who don’t know if they can love a woman in the same way they love their husband. I’ve looked in a lot of places (Reddit, books online, online magazines, articles written by experts, that Amazon show Transparent to name a few), but none of them seem to depict a relatable image for my specific scenario. Granted, it’s a big world and I’m at the beginning of this journey, so I’m confident that I’m not seeing all there is. Needless to say, this blog is about my life post-Outing. The confusion, tears, jokes, self-doubt, and unmistakable pain are mine and they are as real as I can remember them. I’m doing this for myself, because I want to remember what it felt like to examine the depths of my being and to redefine what I think “marriage” is. I’m also doing this for those on this planet who might need to find someone that hasn’t been married for over 20 years, doesn’t have kids, and doesn’t know if they can be in love with the woman their husband didn’t start as.

I feel it necessary to say that at this very moment I’m still getting used to the pronouns and the new name. I haven’t decided if Kyle will be the name I use when I refer the time pre-Outing. To be clear, the only thing I do know is eventually my husband will anatomically be my wife and her name will be Katie (according to the legal system). Emotionally I go in-between recognizing each version of my spouse. When I’ve explained what this experience is like to the family, friends, and coworkers that know, I tell them it’s like a death. I’m watching the slow death of my life as I know it sleep in the bed next to me, make me dinner, go to therapy, host Canadian Thanksgiving, and be my absolute best friend. It’s a death that I don’t get to say goodbye to with a funeral and lasagnas sent over by friends who don’t know what to say. It’s a death that has limited support groups for spouses (one in all of Seattle as of right now – are you fucking serious?!). It’s a death no one relates to, because most people don’t even know they’ve ever met someone transgender. Our society doesn’t even know to the extent this is not just the fad reality show conversation soaked in the controversy of bathroom-bills and Caitlin Jenner. I know this now more than I ever did before September 9th of this year. Maybe, if anyone reads this, they will too.

I also acknowledge that there are probably 100 ways I’ve offended people in this blog because of my own naiveté on the subject. My spouse and I are fully invested in learning through this experience together. We are committed to doing what’s right for the other no matter what the means to our marriage. We are individually committed to seeing where this path leads. AND I’M LEARNING. Please go easy on the girl who has limited resources when it comes to how to be the best wife in this situation for MY spouse. Katie knows what works for her and I trust her to tell me when I step on an uneducated landmine. Our story is ours, and yours is yours. If I’ve learned anything in my life, it’s that no one-size actually fits all (those people that make one-size clothing are fucking liars. That shirt never looks as good on the Large chest as it does on the Extra Small one) and I judge myself enough without the judgement of others.

42 thoughts on “An Introduction: The Outing”

      1. Cura

        You are so right there is no guide or support for the Wife- who’s husband tells you they are Trans. I’m 100% alone. He/she/they say that me being happy is most important…but then spend all their emotional energy on their sexuality, their online support groups, hidden Facebook pages and entirely separate and parallel life. They haven’t come out to anyone else. I can’t talk to anyone about it because we live in a small town, it’s conservative rural red. I sit in church on Sunday wondering how i am going to be judged. Worse – I don’t know if i can be a wife, to another woman. It’s not what I signed up for. We’re looking at wedding anniversary 14. With 3 kids. He kept it hidden minus the few hey do you mind if I wear this nightgown as a kind of kinky thing- nothing more. Then like you i started noticing changes, the hair, the shaving (the ENTIRE BODY) the nails, then in one tragic afternoon I needed to print something – my laptop was having an issue printing so i figured I’d just use his computer. A message flashing from a mutual friend in the task bar- we didn’t keep secrets, i wasn’t snooping just thought I’d respond he was out getting the kids he’d get to you in a bit….and my whole world began to unravel right then…because i couldn’t look away- my husband was trans and was involved in online emotion affairs with other women… this friend included.
        For a year I’ve tried to reconcile, be supportive, but i just don’t think i have it in me. I’m getting next to none of that emotional energy…even now. And now one of these friends from online has moved near to where we live (about an hour away) and i found a gift meant for her… a sweet gesture that i haven’t seen in a very long time. I’m shattered. Exhausted. Frustrated. No support groups for us. I know all the therapists in this town- i drink wine with my doctor. And I don’t want judged by my friends. This living in limbo is too hard, ive said so…but it doesn’t seem to matter. I’m fighting for attention, but the soul focus is sexuality and this new community that ‘understands’ so i either continue to live in this limbo of frustration and pain… or separate and confuse so many that have no idea what’s going on behind closed doors- and I’d never be the one to say.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. my beautiful husband had a hard time accepting his loss of his wife and the marriage almost ended up in divorce but I took him back to the wedding and told him that I am still the same person that he fell in love with and here we are, still happily married . I am a trans man in a wheelchair and I was terrific to death if Kev wanted to leave me, but he didn’t.
        Blaer the wind

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Angelica

    Oh, my heart. I cried almost this entire blog. You’re not only an inspiring writer, but an amazing person. I feel your words…so heavy. And I’m sending you all the love in my heart.

    Liked by 1 person

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  3. Les Addison

    Glad to find your blog. I got married (for the first time) in 1986, to someone who I knew was trans, though she was in egg mode at the time. I knew I was bi, so it was a different story and process, but I’m nonetheless glad to have more voices in the conversation.

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    1. Hi Les! Thank you for reading and reaching out. Sometimes I can’t help but think my life would be so much simpler if I considered myself Bi. Were there ever resources that were helpful for you when it was more difficult, if It was ever more difficult?

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      1. Les Addison

        I managed to “meet” online one other wife of someone who was transitioning and not planning to divorce, and that was helpful for me. I look forward to reading more of your story.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Daniëlle

    I want to write you a bit more when I get the chance, but for now, I just want to say THANK YOU.
    I’m in my late twenties, not married but in a decade long relationship with my best friend who outed herself mtf almost exactly a year ago today. And you are right, there is so little out there for people like us and I recognize so much here already. Warm Regards

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  5. Haley

    Hello, so glad to come across your blog. My spouse of 6 years and partner of 9 recently came out as mtf. We are in our early 30s, and now facing a series of great unknowns. I resonate with a lot of things you said in this blog as my wife and I are embarking on our own (likely similar and very different) journey. As you mentioned, there are very few resources for young spouses of transgender partners. Thank you for sharing your experience.

    Liked by 1 person

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  6. Stephani Q. Fluke

    Hey, I must start of all hail seattle!!!! Lol I grew up on Bangor submarine base in the Bremerton/Silverdale area, spent many a days over in Seattle. Love it so much. I am a mtf woman and in a long term relationship with a ftm man and we get the struggle. I can personally relate to how hard it is to find research or support for people with transgender partners and trust me you live in a great area for LGBTQ + people like us. I recently moved to a small town in oregon to raise our kids (mine from previous marriage) with the good small town America values and needless to say we face A LOT of discrimination and other uncomfortable situations we only leave our house any more to meet with other lgbtq we trust or we obsolutly have to (food, doctors, kids, that kind of stuff). We are planning to move back to the greater seattle area as soon as we can to get in to a more liberal and accepting city. I would be happy to help you learn in any way I can. Best of luck to you and your wife Katie. Look forward to hearing back from you

    Liked by 1 person

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    1. Hi Stephani! Thank you for reading and taking the time to reach out! I definitely feel incredibly lucky to live where we live. The fear of leaving our home is not as present as it could be in other parts of the world which is a blessing.

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      1. Stephani Q. Fluke

        Well maybe we can ” hang out ” (talk) and become friends. As I mentioned in my previous comment, my partner and I are looking at moving to the Seattle area. It would be nice to have friends to meet up with when we get in.

        Liked by 1 person

  7. Liz

    Hi, I just wanted to write to say that I’m glad I found your page. Thank you for posting this and adding another page for other people to read and relate to and comment upon. It’s so important
    XOX

    Liked by 1 person

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    2. Quotidienne30

      I may be a year behind the 8 ball here, but I just wanted to say I’m so happy and relieved I found your blog. Our stories share many similarities. My husband of 3.5 years, partner of 8.5 years came out mtf trans to me four months ago. We are still at the very beginning of our journey, but committed to making our relationship work. I can’t wait to read your other posts

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  8. Your story is exactly what I’ve been searching for. I can relate directly to Katie as I discovered this part of myself shortly after my wife and married. I am so grateful to read this. Thank you.

    Liked by 1 person

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  10. Elexa

    I’m really enjoying reading your blog. I too think handwriting is far too slow to process really thoughts on this topic. It’s so important to know we aren’t all wondering down this path alone. If it wasn’t for bloods like yours and online support groups, I can’t imagine how isolating this experience could be!

    Liked by 1 person

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  11. Maddy

    My fiancee just sent me a link to your blog. He (now she!!) discovered in December of 2017 that he was transgender. We’ve gone through counseling and through the transition as a team. Thank you for being a positive voice and sharing this side of the story 💖

    Liked by 1 person

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  12. Donna

    This what I need to hear today. I’m in the UK and today my husband of almost 8 years and friend of 20years told me he is Emily. He’s felt this way for a year. We now start the journey of informing our friends, family and our son who is 5. I don’t know where I see our marriage but I know I need to support him truly be Emily. Have you discovered any global spouse support groups?

    Liked by 1 person

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    1. Hi Donna! You are so brave. Thank you for taking the time to read my blog and reach out during what I imagine is a difficult and confusing time.

      I don’t have a lot of information about Global support beyond Reddit. The My Partner is Trans Group is overwhelming, but very helpful. I’ve seen quite a few posts from folks internationally seeking connection within their region and there is healthy response.

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  13. Hi. Thank you for your blog. I just found it recently. My partner’s Outing was just over 3 yrs ago. After being together for 15 years. First to me late one night. We talked, I cried, we came together and re-kindled our relationship, and almost became alcoholics due to the stress. 6 weeks later we told our kids and our middle child asked us to quite drinking so much, it wasn’t that big a deal.

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  14. Meg

    Thank you for the blog, right now my spouse is making the change after being married 10 years with three kids. Reading this helps me out, I feel bad saying the wrong thing and worried I’m doing things wrong but at least I know it takes time to learn and understand better and give all my support.

    Liked by 1 person

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  15. Thank you for your kind words , my wife and I have been working on this for the passed 47 years , it never gets any easier, we just keep learning and moving forward , and learning what mistakes not to make again , you have the right attitude and are both very bright people , just found your blog and will try to check in from time to time
    Hugs Susie

    Liked by 1 person

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  16. Mel

    Wow, I am so glad I found your blog. I am a cishet woman and my husband of 4 years (with a total of 7 years together) just came out to me as a trans woman four days ago. I was shocked because he never spoke of it before. He told me that transitioning is not an objective for him and he’s not experiencing gender dysphoria. He is still fine with he/him pronouns. But I know there’s a possibility he will likely want to transition and that’s what I struggle with. I’m going back and forth between waves of deep emotion – feeling (incredibly dramatic) sadness for what the future holds but then also excited for him and curious to see how this changes our relationship. I’m definitely still struggling but it’s so nice to see that I am not alone in this experience. Thank you for this.

    Liked by 1 person

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  17. Krissy

    I’m so glad I found your blog. I am the spouse of a transgender female. We have been together for 22 years and married for 18 1/2 and he just came out to me about a month ago. We do have kids so that makes our situation a little different but I can so relate to your feelings. It’s nice to see a positive bit hesitant reaction to relate to. Thank you for publishing this. I plan to continue following.

    Liked by 1 person

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  18. Kay Charron

    I found this blog by accident but it is exactly what I needed. My husband just told me he is trans and wants to go through the transition. At first, I isolated myself, became depressed, and overall, just miserable. After finding this, I have a spark of hope that we might stay together and work this out. I really do, whole-heartedly believe that this blog just saved me from ending my marriage. If you can make it work, I probably can too. Thank you for your heavy, heart filled words. I needed this.

    Liked by 1 person

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  19. Anh

    Thank you so much for sharing your experience through this blog and thank you to everyone who has commented and shared what they’re going through. My husband of almost 5 years (together over 6) and father of our 2 year old told me earlier this month about thoughts of transitioning. My spouse recently started therapy and I have my first session scheduled for next week. It is definitely a difficult thing to navigate and the support is lacking out there. Thank you so much for having the courage to share with us and I look forward to learning about your experiences as I try to figure ours.

    Liked by 1 person

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    1. Isabelle

      Hi Ahn. Our stories are very similar. My wife came out as transgender (mtf) to me 1.5 years ago (together 8 years) when our daughter was a few months old. We both went to therapy individually and also together and it was INSTRUMENTAL in helping us on our journey together. If you have questions or want to talk, let me know!

      Liked by 1 person

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  20. Marianne Wachalovsky

    Thank you for your blog. I have been married 40 years and my husband started wearing hiking skirts 20 years ago. He loves the feel of woman clothing. Finally through therapy this year he has been able to accept that he is a woman and he is just starting the process. So many emotions and so little on the internet about spouses that have gone through this – thank you for talking about it and sharing your experience, it is extremely helpful.

    Liked by 1 person

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  21. Anonymous Please

    Hi. Thank you so much for posting this. My spouse has not determined if they’re transgender or if something else is going on, but it feels increasingly like it’s headed in that direction. And I feel terrible for my self-absorption and fear, but this post makes me feel a little bit seen, and gives me some hope that we’re not the only ones in this situation. They are far too good of a person (the best, in fact) for me to ever give up my wedding vows. But it’s not what I expected or signed up for and I had hoped to be able to make them feel far above adequate as the gender they were born with. Thanks for being a voice I can recognize.

    Liked by 1 person

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