Today, the thought occurred to me that my dreams about Katie are always with the version of her I knew as Kyle. I don’t really know what more to say about that, except the immediate devastation I felt upon realizing it caused me to pause making my lunch, sit on the floor of our kitchen and cry.
Three steps forward. One step back.
"T" is for Trans 
Its okie! It took me almost this length of time to stop mentally misgendering myself in dreams and stuff – its very understandable that you have difficulty with the subconscious parts. As long as you understand that its false, and are trying to change that perception (in whatever limitted ways are possible) then its all good!
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Please be gentle with yourself ❤
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Thanks, Heather! I definitely will.
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Hi Natalie, I just read your entire blog start to finish. I don’t think I can thank you enough for putting words to exactly what I’ve been feeling for the past hear and a half. My spouse came out to me in December of 2017, days after you started your blog, and oh how I wish it had popped up in my searches for resources back then. Regardless, I’m grateful to find that I’m not alone on this rollercoaster.
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Hi!! I’m so glad this was helpful for you! The irony of my starting the blog the month your spouse came out is not lost on me. Our world is so small sometimes.
I appreciate you taking the time to read and reach out. You’re definitely not alone. I get quite a few emails from people in similar situations which is a comfort.
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I started my own transition on a very similar timeline as Katie and I still dream about myself with my old self. So please be kind to yourself. You can not be malicious in your dreams, you only use old memories to tell yourself stories.
Until your memories that you and Katie are making are more numerous and accessable to your subconscious, it will use what it’s got to work with. All that said, I know how bad it feels when your subconscious and reflexive mind doesn’t cooperate with what you want to be. Again, I see you and ask you to be kind to yourself. You are trying, and it is really up to you and Katie, but I think you are succeeding.
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Hi Virginia! Thank you for your kind words. I’m trying to be patient with myself as much as I can. Katie told me she still sees her male form in dreams also, which was reassuring.
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