Juggle

I haven’t written much. In general, I’m having a terrible time which makes writing about my life and my transition feel complicated. To describe the precarious juggle I am barely maintaining between school, work, my relationship, and my own emotional revelations in therapy would be to write my best selling novel. I can’t right now, I don’t have the emotional energy.

I’m writing because I need support. Amongst and contributing to the many things happening in my life, my wife is experiencing more frequent catatonic states as of late. I come home to find her in bed or I spend weekends with her unable to get out of it. This is in part the result of her actually feeling her emotions and working through the exhaustion as someone who feels a lot of them. I joke with others I’m married to a fourteen-year-old to make light of the stress I’m under, but it’s not that funny and trivializes the real pressure of balancing being married to someone who is transitioning with your own emotional health. Katie feeling her feelings is a very good thing, it’s progress beyond numbness and I am grateful (although I’m sure it doesn’t sound it in this post). It just also comes with drawbacks. I’m picking up more of our emotional labor than even I have the energy for. I’ve been putting school on the back-burner, procrastinating assignments to near incapability of completing them in time. I’m tired all the time and need a break but can’t see the point at which one is available.

It is amidst these struggles that we also learned this past weekend Katie’s grandfather was put on Hospice. They don’t tell you when your wife transitions how difficult death will be in the wake of complicated family relationships. Adding this to our plate is about all we can handle. I keep picturing the kitchen sink being left on, hot water rushing out of it at full pressure, but no dishes in the sink. I can’t turn the water off. Is this crying? Or is this numbness?

10 thoughts on “Juggle

  1. FABULOUSCONNIEDEE

    If you need someone to talk to, just email me. I’m a good listener, and I don’t dish out advice unless asked for it. Gosh, though, I do have many stories I could share! πŸ˜‰

    Much of my transition is centered around death, not the least of which is the death of my old self. My wife went through a mourning period (her own words) when I began transitioning. At some point, we all have to give up the notion that “Life is a bitch, and then you die.” My life as a bitch has actually brought me to life! πŸ™‚

    Take care,
    Connie

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    1. Cat

      Don’t forget that you are an amazing woman, and giving and sharing of yourself and your journey has helped and continues to help others (including myself). Even when you are writing to understand your own emotions, you are helping others understand their own, too. Another selfless gift you are giving us all; I have always needed to be reminded that I am allowed to take breaks and take time for myself, so I am hoping that reminder helps you, too. πŸ™‚ I hope you can take the time you need for yourself when and where you can – and I know a few instructors *smile* – and sometimes they can be quite helpful and understanding if you talk to them about extensions or an Incomplete (or at least find out what your options are for slowing down a bit and come back to doing more when you can). πŸ˜‰ All those whom you have helped see you doing this loving and exhausting work. You are amazing. My wish for you (who have helped me and so many others with this beautiful blog) is that you allow yourself to receive and experience the same love and care you give to others in your life and to the world with this blog. You are amazing. *hugs* Thank you for all you have written and shared.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Sorry to hear that things are piling up and your finding it so hard. It sounds like you’re behind asked to be everywhere at once.

    I hope you soon catch a break and that things start to pick up for you.

    As Connie says – and not to steal her thunder – if you want to chat about things over email, I’ll gladly listen if you’d find that useful.

    Good luck.

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  3. I wish I could hug you. I’m all about love, marriage and sacrifice. You’re sacrificing a lot for your spouse, and I hope you stick with it. I’m sacrificing transition, for my spouse, and I hope I can stick with it.

    Things will bet better.

    Calie xx

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Greg Wood

    What everybody above said, as you know, I’m always here, hopefully to be a good listener. I hope you get to catch the break you both so need and that a breakthrough on some things is coming soon.
    XOXOXO

    Liked by 1 person

    1. adkelly89

      That sounds really, really hard. If, unrelated to transitioning, Katie is also going through mental health struggles, I hope she’s getting the medical care she needs. My spouse’s mental health plummeted in the months between the realisation of being trans and the prescription for HRT, so I have some understanding of how excruciating it can be it be in this position. I like to remind myself that hard things aren’t hard in the same way forever, so I hope you can hang on until she’s on a more even keel and some feelings of normalcy return to your partnership. My partner was also in the middle of a very intense professional degree program when their realisation happened and should definitely have taken a leave of absence, but we both tried to keep pushing through. With hindsight, not our best idea. Maybe that could be an option for you and your program to give you some breathing space.
      Love reading your blog and totally understand if it’s quiet here sometimes! Take care.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. MrsOsten

    Hey Natalie. My wife is also trans. Dysphoria is scary and heartbreaking and annoying and frustrating all at once. Knowing how to help someone with dysphoria…God, I wish there were a manual or some ‘just do this yoga’ thing. Dysphoria is the third person in our marriage and she sucks. She drains the life out of weekends, holidays, nights that should be spent together but are spent apart. She drains the life right out of my wife and she drains it out of me. But I’m grateful to be able to name her, to know what’s going on now that I know my spouse is trans. For me it’s helped naming Dysphoria – calling her a her and a person. That way, I’m not angy at my spouse. I’m angry at Dysphoria. I can battle and pray against Dysphoria. I can hold my wife when that b*tch attacks. And each time my wife looks in the mirror and sees just that bit more of how beautiful she is, even as a ‘teenager’, it’s so worth all the pain and the struggle to push Dysphoria down. Please don’t ever feel that you can’t say that you’re exhausted or that Dysphoria sucks. You and Katie are a team. You’re being hurt by Dysphoria too. You’re in this together. I think you’re amazing. Your posts have been such an encouragement. Do you have a support network? Like others have said, I’m here and happy to talk. My wife is too. You and Katie aren’t in this alone. You are two brave and beautiful women.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Thank you for your blog and sharing the story. I am your wife’s opposite. A 57 year old whose struggle with identity has been a decades long evolution complicated by a spouse of 25+ years who does not and cannot fathom that her husband may not in fact be. I had no idea when we married. Puts a whole new meaning on naivete. I hope that you and Katie find the light and may it be bright at the end of the tunnel.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Logan

    Always find your posts inspiring. I hope Katie is talking through some of this stuff with a therapist but being trans myself and still early in my transition (just starting to come out) I find the emotions overwhelming. That doesn’t mean you should be doing all the emotional weightlifting in the marriage either. I hope you are talking to a therapist as well (I think in previous posts atleast as a couple you do). Try to reach out though to someone for help to get you through some of this stuff. Hugs

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Sorry to hear that this is sucking the life out of both of you. Transition is hard. My partner isn’t lacking in energy in any way what so ever. Transition, quitting smoking and coffee has given her boundless energy. Where as me,I have no energy to get through the day. Well after spending all of July sick, I just can’t rebound. After my crying episode back in July I just had to realize that I am dealing with 4 teenage girls, all different ages and stages of growing up. Me and my partner have 2 girls together, both teens.

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