Katie recently purchased a Tarot deck in hopes of learning a new skill. If I do say so myself, she’s getting better at it, although still struggles to attribute specific meaning to the cards as described. Someone more familiar with the art mentioned she learned how to read Tarot by pulling a card each day and looked for meaning of the card in the events of the day. This has helped with the more nuanced cards where meaning is more difficult. Where did the Seven of Cups manifest in your day today?  You get the idea.

Our Thanksgiving has been pleasant. We spent the morning at one friends watching the parade, drinking mimosas, and eating everything out of the frozen section of Trader Joe’s. Katie and I walked to and from this event, giving us time in the crisp, sunny Seattle Fall. After our walk home, we grabbed the pies we purchased from the Ballard Market and headed to another friends to enjoy Thanksgiving Dinner. It was lovely.

A few weeks ago, not knowing what our plans were, I ordered a Hello Fresh Thanksgiving meal for Katie and I, and it has been our plan all week to prepare this meal and decorate for Christmas sometime during this weekend.  In looking at my school workload for this final weekend before quarter-end, Friday (today) made the most sense to me. We woke this morning in good spirits and I knocked on wood as I mentioned Katie’s mood has been more stable, happier, even. Then, as I sat to complete a homework assignment, my computer screen wouldn’t turn on. After a call to Apple, they said a tech needed to look at it. We made an appointment for 3pm.

Somewhere in the period of time between realizing my screen was broken and having to get ready for the appointment, the energy of the room shifted and I could tell Katie was was not in the same head space as this morning. I asked if she was okay, and Katie replied meekly she wasn’t. I asked if it was dysphoria, Katie said no. I spoke too soon this morning. We’ve had two blissful weeks of Katie being in an even mood. Not 100%, but not in the doldrums either. She’s been functionally able to help around the house, cook dinner, run an errand or two, be social with her friends. It’s a lightness I am so grateful for, one in which I could start to see the building blocks of tomorrow propped up by more than glue and tape.

As I turned off the lights around the house to leave for the appointment with Apple, Katie pulled out the Tarot deck, opening it and shuffling the cards to find the one for today. She looked it as she set it down slowly on our Rtic cooler-turned-coffee table. Death. The card for today was Death. I laughed when she showed it to me. What else is there really to do? The irony of Death is too obvious to even describe.

They couldn’t fix my computer at Apple. It needs a new screen which means sending it in and not having it for a week. I am so grateful for Past Natalie thinking it was a good idea to buy AppleCare. I’m also grateful for backing things up to the Cloud. I have this weekend to complete 2 papers and 2 assignments. At least I don’t have to start fresh? Right?

I sit here writing this post in stubborn procrastination because I don’t want to restart the research I lost on my computer (currently typing away on my work one). I also don’t want to decorate for Christmas and make Thanksgiving dinner alone. As Katie lays in bed, I feel mocked by the Tarot.  Death. What an asshole.

3 thoughts on “Tarot

  1. Adi

    I am so sorry. My partner is trans, too, and depression makes this hard thing so much harder. I hope there will be a moment when decorating for Christmas feels good to you, be it alone or with Katie or with a friend. All the best from Germany!

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Jennifer

        I used to read Tarot cards—in fact I still have mine. The death card doesn’t typically mean physical death, rather the end of something, a change or letting go of an attachment. It implies increased self-awareness. Hopefully that interpretation portrays a more gentle meaning for you. Hang in there, you both are loved and thought of more than you know.

        Liked by 1 person

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