Caregiver fatigue for the spouse supporting the one who has depression is real. I’ve been trying to find a new therapist since I stopped seeing mine due to a new job location making the commute inconvenient. In truth, I’ve tried to reach my therapist again to no success, which is really a struggle for me at the time. I need someone to talk to about the jumble of things in my life that seem to be spiraling out.
In the meantime, to help mitigate my anxiety thought patterns, I downloaded a Gratitude App (called “Grateful”) to track what I do feel grateful for in times like these where the forecast for my life seems particularly difficult. I’m not sure it’s working, but I figure trying to track what is going well when nothing seems to be is one way to change my perspective.
Today I am grateful my asshole-cat, Charles, seems to know I’m stressed and is being a bit less asshole than normal. I am grateful I managed to ride the stationary bike for 30 minutes this morning and that I reached 10,000 steps. I am grateful for this glass of wine. I am grateful for somehow having the energy to do my laundry, vacuum, and put away the dishes. That’s all I have right now. I know there is more, but sometimes you just need to nestle in and let it all go.
"T" is for Trans 
I’ve been following your blog for almost one year, I think we have pretty similar stories. I wanted to say thank you as you were truly an inspiration and hope on times where I could do nothing more than cry and scream sitting on my kitchen or bathroom floor, pressing my knees against my chest and just hoping that a ‘miracle’ would take the pain away. I knew I’d be okay, I know I’ll be okay, you probably know you will be okay too, it just takes so much more time than most people expect us to be okay. Our pain seems to be so much more insignificant then the partners pain. It seems like we need to be stronger, that somehow we become responsible for our partner life and happiness. It is a very heavy weight to carry.
But we are strong and we are the only ones who can find and fight for our own happiness. Sending love and, if you need a therapist and don’t mind doing it online, I can recommend mine from London.
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Hi! Thank you for this. You summarized my sentiments very clearly and it’s nice to know other people get it.
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I hope the gratitude app starts to help you and thanks for sharing a good one. FWIW I’ve been doing something similar for a while and yes, it’s not an instant nor permanent change, but I think it helps. Not just the looking back and finding things weren’t as bad as thought, bit also taking the time to enjoy the things we have. Even little things like the bus driver stopping for you, a shared laugh in the coffee shop, when someone is kind to you (and vice versa), etc. Good luck.
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I’ve been following your blog on and off for just over a year. When my partner came out as a trans woman this summer, your story was the first thing that came to my mind. I think you’re wonderful and I thank you so much for keeping this blog going to help many of us in this situation (it doesn’t feel like it, but there are many of us).
I’m grateful for you sharing your story publicly.
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Thank you for your kind words!! I appreciate you taking the time to comment. Brightens my day.
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Again your power to express is amazing. I’m the transwomen in my marriage albiet not out publically and unlikely to ever be. And not sure I want to be. So more a cross dresser. The harm to my spouse and our relationship no less damaging however. She considers her life a tragedy. I don’t know how to reply to that (>25 years together). She now wants to separate for a while (30-60 days). Not sure where that will lead. When you speak of little things to be grateful for I hope against hope that she will realize that there is more to be grateful than the tragedy she perceives her past to be and she dwells upon in the present. But where you, and Natalie seem willing to work and work hard and that means struggle to realize the best possible outcome we stall. To hear your struggle is painful, but I see forward momentum. That sustains me and keeps bringing me back. Find that good therapist. Be grateful for every breath you take. We are certainly grateful to you.
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