Five years ago today, Katie asked me to marry her. As I look through our engagement photos, their luster seems dulled, clouded in the reality of who my wife in them really was at the time. In retrospect, we were so happy sharing the mutual discomfort of being professionally photographed. But were we really happy? It's …
Tag: TisforTrans
Lost in Transition
Buckle-up – this is a long one: I’ve been insistent for months that I can’t have a conversation about bottom surgeryGender Reassignment Surgery (GRS) vaginoplasty until Katie had done the research. We kept going around and around in the beginning of the transition. Katie knew early on she wanted Thailand. The surgeon, the reputation, the …
Dreams
Today, the thought occurred to me that my dreams about Katie are always with the version of her I knew as Kyle. I don't really know what more to say about that, except the immediate devastation I felt upon realizing it caused me to pause making my lunch, sit on the floor of our kitchen …
Dead-Name
Last Tuesday, Katie had one of those days at work that can only happen when you're a transgender person and new at your job. You know those? No? Well, you probably know what it feels like to be new at your job and have something escalated you don't know how to fix therefore causing a …
Together or Separate?
I love when it snows. I love the change in routine, the shared annoyance with the neighbors whom I’ve never met. I know all the reasons to dislike it, the interruption to commute, the inability to get things delivered or find the groceries I prefer, the lack of reliability on the bus schedule. Yet, I …
Ariel
Katie is 6 foot, 1 inches tall. Her height was the first thing I noticed about her when we met. How could I not? She towers a whole 6 inches above me. The second thing I noticed? Her voice. She has this deep voice that took me by surprise. It's soothing, smooth, and in control. …
‘M’ is for Mental
I can't really identify how I feel about what happened to Jussie Smollett. I'm angry. Confused. Guilty. I can't believe I live in a world like this, with people who are so ignorant and hateful. If there is a positive, it's that people are seeing a darkness that rarely gets experienced by those with privilege. …
Tuesdays with Mourning
On Tuesday, I made good time getting home despite rain causing people to drive like idiots. Sometimes I wonder if people are actually bad drivers or if it is somehow our cultural assumption that all other drivers are bad, but we are great! I was in this thought process in my car when NPR let …
Why did I stay?
I was recently asked by someone newly on the "I was just informed by my partner they are transgender" journey a question I had completely forgot about asking myself at the beginning of mine: Why did you stay? This question is so complicated and, after a lot of thought and consideration, unanswerable in any sort …
Out, out brief candle!
Yesterday, in my Timehop, a selfie of Katie from last year came up. It's dark, she's in an Uber and her lips are red. It was the first time she went to support group fully dressed. At that point in my transition, I wasn't able to go with her, I wasn't ready. I was so …
Fleeting
We spent much of yesterday doing the adult things we now have to make time for because hangovers are real and I like 8 hours of sleep: chores. My life has been a mess the past 2 months, a fact I’d been reminded of when I walked in the door to our apartment and was …
Happy Birthday
Today, this blog is one years old. If it were a baby, we’d have baked a cake, taken pictures of the blog eating the cake with its hands, and then posted the pictures with some sort of boasting statement about how our blog is cuter than all the other kids. It has been one year …
Chico is My Hometown
I’m was born in Paradise, CA and raised in Chico, CA. Last night I dreamt that I had to decide between 1 of 4 pugs to save from the fires. The first pug was perfectly healthy, a show-worthy pug, an adorable specimen, healthy and whole. The second one was missing an eye and at least …
Fall Back
Today, I had a robust schedule for myself. It’s not a holiday, but I have to say the day we Fall Back is always my favorite. An extra hour of sleep, an extra hour of quiet in the morning without anyone awake. This morning was no different. I woke, made coffee, watched several episodes of …
Caitlyn Jenner
I never watched the episodes of Keeping up with the Kardashians when Caitlyn Jenner came out. At the time, I felt like they were exploitive of a family and a person in a lot of pain. I know that they all signed up for the life they have, but I still felt strange being part …
"T" is for Trans 