Panic Attack

Katie is currently laying on the floor listening to a meditative Yoga Nidra video in the middle of a panic attack.

Our Vespa was knocked over last week, a fun surprise Katie upon seeing it on the pavement laying down with dents in it. Fortunately it looks like cosmetic damage, but it’s still annoying. Another “fortunately” is that we have it insured. We should be able to get it fixed pretty quickly. This fact we know after Katie spent the afternoon on the phone with the insurance company. I could tell something was wrong when I got home by the muted tone Katie greeted me with. Intuition told me the cause of Katie’s lack-luster response wasn’t the result of the draining-nature of the calls with the insurance people, or the Seattle-summer heat of our non-air-conditioned with west-facing windows apartment, or the fact that it was Monday and, well, Mondays, amiright?  I asked her what was going on.

“I haven’t changed my name with the insurance yet.”

She didn’t need to say anymore. Katie spent the whole afternoon having the pleasure of filing a claim with our insurance company while being dead-named and misgendered throughout the entire conversation. What a trans-honor. Trans-horror?

Katie’s panic attacks are slow-moving and, although they do happen within the timeframe of the triggering incident with more and more efficiency, they tend to develop over several hours. It’s almost as if her mind is doing an unconscious marathon, running an emotional flow-state only repression can master before suddenly her body catches up. Words and actions become difficult, and everything she does almost moves in slow motion, as if literally carrying a weighted blanket. Before The Outing, therapy, and our healing process started, these episodes would last many hours and sometimes days with Katie never able to fully explain or identify what was happening. The fact we are within a few hours of the trigger is the result of Katie’s incredibly hard work.

Yoga Nidra seems to really work for her, helping her carve a pathway out of the circular tornado preventing her brain from sending messages to walk forward. I also find it helpful and there are tons of videos on Youtube if you’re someone who needs help quieting your thoughts.

Both cats are laying near Katie on the floor. Don’t get me wrong, my cats are assholes, but I do appreciate they somehow know their presence is helpful to calm Katie down.


One thought on “Panic Attack

  1. Shannyn Ford

    Wow. Congrats to Katie on making such progress. I’m sure it might not feel like it in the moments of an attack, but it sounds like it clearly is progress. She obviously has a supportive partner as well.

    Liked by 1 person

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