Fixer Upper

Today was a low day. I can’t really pinpoint why, but I woke up grumpy and unmotivated and my usual trick of listening to upbeat music, eating chocolate, and smiling the entire drive to work didn’t uplift my spirits. I was going to attend the transgender group therapy session with Katie (twice a month it’s open to friends and family), but wasn’t in the mood to be social. In another attempt to change the course of the day and not lose it entirely to total sullen skulking, I bought the season 5 pass for Fixer Upper on iTunes (Yes, I’m THAT girl. I watch Fixer Upper AND I pay for it legally instead of downloading it). As I watched this adorable young couple walk into their first house in total wonderment at how perfect everything was and learn their grandfather had carved end tables for them and that their dreams and plans were coming true, I had a total meltdown. A sobbing, crying loudly and alone meltdown. My life will never look like their life and I feel so foolish for even imagining that it would one day. I miss the days where the Fixer Upper was a tv show and not the reflection I look at every morning while I get ready or the marriage I talk about in couples therapy every other week with Katie. It feels so overwhelming to realize the Fixer Upper isn’t an abstract concept I’ve hoped would come true one day.

Because I refuse to let negativity win, I’ll end this post with a “tomorrow is another day”. If Fixer Upper can’t lift my mood, thank goodness for Gone with the Wind and the convincing acting of Vivien Leigh.

3 thoughts on “Fixer Upper

  1. Kim

    I can so relate to all of your posts (just reading them all now after my trans wife sent the link to me this morning). This post, in particular, hit a nerve with me. I have felt EXACTLY this same way many, many times. When I am out, or watching TV, or anywhere really, and I see a couple or family that looks like what I wish I had…. it hits me that I will never have a “normal” life with a “normal” family. The loss and pain that hit me in those moments is so profound, even now and we are 4 or 5 years into transition. Will that feeling ever go away? I don’t know. All I can do is live one day at a time. It’s all I can muster…even now. I wanted to let you know that you can contact me if you think we might be able to support each other through loving our wives (while at the same time wanting to wring their necks sometimes) through this difficult time. If not, that’s okay too…..I understand.

    Liked by 1 person

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