I haven’t processed this yet, so this post will be shorter. My wife has an appointment to get her first hormone prescription filled today. I can’t stop crying. I had a plan to get my nails done and workout and be a human because I have the day off, but I cannot get off the couch or stop crying. I’m confused by how much this hurts as I feel like I’ve gotten so used to the concept that my husband is now my wife. I want to be there for her and I can’t. I happen to have the day off and I can’t get off my couch to get in the car to give her a ride. I can’t be stronger. As much progress as I’ve talked about making, as I feel I’ve made, today feels like time rewound back to the point just after my wife stepped into the light and admitted she is transgender. Just when I think things are getting easier, I’m alone in my home, immobile, trapped in transgender quicksand. I want to be the person who can be stronger for her. Who can take her to the appointment. Who can hold her hand. But, I’m not. Today, I need to accept that I am not strong enough to be a partner to my wife and cry some more.
On the flip side, I feel like the universe knew I needed a day off. I cannot imagine being at work today. You win again, Past Natalie. You win again.